senior girls.

They showed up every week with Pop-tarts, Duck Dynasty cups, and a guilty look for being late. A large, creepy portrait of Mrs. Doyle stared at us in the corner. It was at 7:00 a.m., and none of us were morning people. I was often dressed in an oversized shirt that I'd slept in, and some Nike shorts. But they were there, every week.

Emily, Summer, Tori and Megan taught me more in our small group that school year than I fed into them. We laughed, drank our coffee out of whatever cup we found first, shared happies and crappies, and grew closer to Jesus. Sure, I was ten years their senior, but being an upperclassmen put them in this place where they wanted to capture the world, explore every aspect of their faith, and jump head first into adventure. It was so refreshing, exhilarating. We went through typical girl times when they didn't get along, had slumber parties where they laughed at my grandma pajamas, and struggled through tough life events; but ultimately learned what it was like to love each other in Christ's name.

I'd take a bullet for any of them. I'm 170+ miles away now, but if something happened to any of them, you best believe I'd be on a plane, train, automobile or even a bike headed their way immediately.

Each of the girls were given something so special and unique. They had an inheritance from the Lord that was evident.

Tori

Tori was the hostess. She never came to small group without some sort of breakfast food and drink which she would always offer to share. Hospitality was her love language. She always wanted to make you something or give you a gift.

Megan

Megan was the lover. Not in a weird way. But she was so in tune with the people around her. She made sure everyone was included, and loved. She was selfless beyond belief. She had this keen sense to make everyone around her feel welcome. She was goofy, but it just made her even more endearing.

Emily (and special guest, Peepaw)

Emily was the glue. I don't think she realized it. But she was the one that held us together. She knew how to break any awkwardness and help us move past it. She always had questions. And always wanted answers. She was an explorer and an optimist.

Summer

I remember the biggest lesson I learned (and am still learning) from one of them. Summer stood up in front of her entire youth group of 150+ people and told them they were worthless. It was so abrupt and true. Hearing it come so clearly out of a seventeen-year-old's mouth was piercing...in the most beautiful way. She was courageous and had a message: you need Jesus. In a world where we feed girls feel-good sayings and Pinterest-perfect quotes about being your best, Summer stood for something counter-culture. That's how Summer was. She made waves.

As I mentioned before, I am in a season that is new to me: one of uncertainty in my purpose and personality. I feel like I'm being pruned to be something other than who I have been. It hurts. Having branches of "me" stripped from my being isn't pleasant. I've always strived to be selfless, but recently have felt Selfishness rear an ugly, sneaky head into my thoughts, actions and being. I prided myself on being selfless. And there in, lies the problem. I prided MYSELF in being selfless instead of seeing selflessness as reflecting Jesus. (As you read this, selflessness is a great thing, but not when it became an identity that I made for myself despite the ultimate selfless example we find in Jesus.)

I've been told my whole life that I can be anything, do anything, am the greatest, and any other positive to Me spin you can give. I am an optimist, and I believed every bit of it. We all look for a ways to "fix" ourselves and humanity. We see what everyone else has or does, we see other people's partial lives and think our's is in trouble. Thus, self-help and be/do great lessons occur.

As Selfish has moved in, he brings his rancid friend, Jealousy. I see people that are selfless, and my heart wants that back. So I force myself to act selfless, and acting doesn't come from a genuine place. And the snowball effect commences. Selfish, Jealousy, More Selfish, More Jealousy. Instead of focusing on clearing the forest that I've been given as Joshua told the house of Joseph in Joshua 17, I look at other's inheritance, gifts, talents, personality, and try to write it in to my own script. I judge myself. I tell myself I'm good. I tell myself I need to be more, be less, do more, act less instead of selflessness being an overflowing of my heart that is focused on my need for Jesus.

Paul speaks to the Corinthians in chapter 4 of his first letter and says this:

"But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me."

Paul has pretty much told the Corinthians that they're big babies in their faith for three chapters, and then he pulls out this. He says that it matters VERY little (he'd be lying if he said not at all) that he is judged by people. And then he says something that feels like a sucker punch to the ribs. "I do not even judge myself."

It's not my place to even judge myself, because, as he goes on to say, he's not aware of anything, but we're human. There's something to be judged about, because as Isaiah 64:6 says "our righteous acts are like filthy rags".  How can I judge myself when what I think is good, is worthless? My flesh doesn't have a scale to judge with, because what I think is good, isn't.

He goes on to say this:

"...brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another. For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?"

He jam-packed these few lines with an avalanche of insight. I tell girls "Comparison steals joy", meaning if you look at everyone else's edited self versus your whole self, you're going to be disappointed. But Paul says here that comparison game is a double-edged sword. He says don't go beyond scripture to tell yourself you're awesome, because I'm a worthless sinner without the blood of Christ. My purpose is from Him, my personality was formed to reflect Him, my passions are given from Him. The beautiful, joyous parts of me, are nothing without Him. I inherited grace, mercy, love, freedom, and an abundance of gifts by accepting Jesus as my Savior. Why do I then boast at the things that were not God-given, but forced actions because of what I want people to see? Why do I see myself as an exception that I have to work for something, strive for something instead of clearing the forest of my heart?

Summer, you are right. I am worthless. I need Jesus. I need Him to continue cutting off limbs that are dead. To strip my pride so that His purpose will rise. I need His selflessness to be what is seen in my life, not my own.

Here's the pen, the page, the ink and even my hand. Write my story, Jesus, to be Yours, merely Yours.