shampoo decisions.

Jordan and I have this dry erase board that hangs on the side of our fridge that reads "What do we need?" at the top. It's a habit I picked up from my parents to immediately write a need (grocery, toiletry, etc.) on the board. This prevents nights when you go to the sink with the hopes of minty, fresh breath only to be met by an empty tube of toothpaste in the bottom of the drawer. The intent is when one of us goes to the store, we will first look at the board and pick those things up. Sometimes it's a success, and sometimes I'm too preoccupied with getting the milk I need for my cookies to be bothered to look at the list on the way out the door.

Jordan knows that if I put shampoo, conditioner, make-up or any other toiletry on the board, I'll get it. You see, I have a problem. Jordan is a brand loyalist. He has used the same Suave shampoo since I've known him. Occasionally, he'll switch up the scent. I am the opposite. I want to try it all, use it all, never have the same experience twice. Buried deep in my mind is the prospect that there may be something better out there. I am the loser that actually reads the labels of conditioner to find out its individual perks. (P.S. Why can't they make a shampoo, conditioner, or face cream that has multiple remedies at once? What if I have color-treated, curly, blonde hair?! I digress.) It takes a lot to captivate me when it comes to toiletries. I want things perfect...exactly the way I want them to be. I'm always on the lookout for the next best, or better, thing. I require serious captivating. 

As we spent two weeks coming and going from Vanderbilt Hospital (Story here.), I realized that the Lord has been trying to do just that. He's put just about every sign and roadblock in my way possible to point me to Him, to His purposes for me, to my obedience of Him, but I've been looking for the next best, or better, thing, knowing deep down none of it will satisfy. Sitting by Bill's bed three days after we'd made camp in room 5003 of the CVICU, I was more focused than I have been in a long time. Pouring out prayers and scriptures in my mind over Bill as I reassured him about every ten minutes that he was okay when he woke up, I felt the Lord just say, "Watch Me." I was sitting in the room with a miracle. The medicine and minds that it took to replace an essential organ in someone's chest cavity is mind-boggling. I was spending days and nights focused on the frailty of human life, the importance of relationships, and the brevity of time. It took a man's heart being ripped out to capture my focus. 

Just like my choices in facial cream, my life has held a consistent theme of "what's next?". I felt a call into ministry when I was seventeen years old. The Lord has been so faithful to give me opportunities galore for the ministry He has trusted me with. But I easily get distracted with the thought of perfection. I want to accomplish it all now...which is my own timing. My focus moves from accomplishing wins for Him to fighting the thorn of pride in me. I realized sitting by that bed, and hearing that whisper that was distinct and comforting that it takes perfection to captivate me. All too often, I let the enemy steal what I already know as perfection in Jesus and replace it with a need for myself to be perfection. I want to be captivated. I want to see perfection, but only through the blood of Jesus. 

I have the joy of sitting on a living room floor with some pretty awesome ladies once a week in a small group. Every once in a while, we split off from our husbands for some girl time. There was a part in a chapter we recently read together that felt like it slapped me right in the middle of my cheek. The author wrote about the Israelites, and how they were given laws, restrictions, and ways to live their life by God. It was designed to work. It was beautifully oiled, but then the crazy humans kept trying to stick their own gears in the machine, which obviously resulted in malfunction. I've been reading through the Old Testament, and every time that a chapter starts off with "...and again the Isrealites disobeyed...", I think, Come on, guys! Why can't we get it together?! Then, I want to take every mirror off the wall in my house so that I'm not reminded that that's me. God designed me, perfectly. God designed my purpose, perfectly. God's love for me is...perfect. I know this, believe this, but then try to stick my own agenda in the pile that leads to see even more imperfection in myself. It's a vicious cycle I have to rely on the Holy Spirit to give me the patience and self control to break. Perfection for me has already been accomplished. It comes in the form of a perfect sacrifice that took my place over two thousand years ago. 

In all of my indecision that comes from striving for an unattainable perfection, I fail to focus on what is truly captivating. It takes a lot to captivate me. But may my heart, eyes, and intentions not wander from He who is most captivating of all.